


& I'll never be him

by BDEblueyes



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Minor Kaiba Seto/Yami Yuugi, Not Canon Compliant, Obsession, One-sided Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto, Pining, Unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:20:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 15,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28432332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BDEblueyes/pseuds/BDEblueyes
Summary: M rating is for language and discussion of self-harm/suicidal ideation
Relationships: Jounouchi Katsuya | Joey Wheeler/Kaiba Seto
Comments: 130
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Blue Eyes Black Dragon (OperaGoose)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OperaGoose/gifts).



> M rating is for language and discussion of self-harm/suicidal ideation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I watched you. Every moment. I watched you falling deeper. I watched the love growing like vines out of your heart.

I used to be in the inner circle. The group you called the ‘nerd herd’. They were my friends. I was one of them. Once upon a time. 

Before you decided to grace us with your presence.

The first time you hung out with us without all the insults I actually thought something good might come of it. I suppose it has. For you.

I had this odd little bit of hope that maybe you not calling me a mutt might mean you were seeing me in a different light. But the longer you were there, the more apparent it became that you were only doing it for him. Because hanging out with us, hanging out with  _ me _ , was a prerequisite for being close to him.

I realised you would never feel about me the way I feel about you. That the shining sapphires of your eyes would only ever belong to him. You want him. You need him. And I’ll never be him.

I watched you. Every moment. I watched you falling deeper. I watched the love growing like vines out of your heart. I saw every flutter of your eyelashes, every flush of your cheeks, every flick of your tongue over your lips as you watched him. I saw the naked desire.

I watched the way your style changed. Less runway. More street. Fewer angles and hard edges. More comfort. You softened yourself for him.

And I felt myself falling deeper into despair with every second. Felt the air being sucked from my lungs by the vacuum you created.

I moved myself out of the group. So slowly that you didn’t notice. No one did. Now I sit on the sidelines, a spectator to the life, the love, I  _ wish _ was mine. Alone with the knowledge that I could never interest you. 

I can’t explain why I stay to watch when it causes me so much pain, except that  _ not _ seeing you causes just as much. I am in agony. Always. I’m dying a little more with every breath. 

And I think... I’m running out of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is probably as much story as there's going to be. But who knows. The mood may strike me differently tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The heart wants what the heart wants, and my heart wanted you, with your stupid smug smirk, and your stupid sapphire eyes.
> 
> But I just thought it was a crush. Just a silly high school crush born of hormones and frustration. Figured it would all just wear itself out eventually, like the thing with Mai had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be a one-and-done kinda deal but... inspiration arrives in the weirdest ways.

If you want to know when it all started, well… I couldn’t tell you that because I don’t really know. 

But by the time Battle City started, you’d already had a starring role in more than a handful of my dreams. It made a weird kind of sense, I guess. All your sniping must have burrowed into my brain. And as much as that kind of attention sucked, at least it was still attention.

In spite of the insults, and the looks of disdain and disgust you gave me on a regular basis, I had developed a crush on you. I kept hoping that, somehow, a miracle would happen. That you would look at me and see more than the stray dog you’d always seen.

The heart wants what the heart wants, and  _ my _ heart wanted you, with your stupid smug smirk, and your stupid sapphire eyes.

But I just thought it was a crush. Just a silly high school crush born of hormones and frustration. Figured it would all just wear itself out eventually, like the thing with Mai had. 

I wasn’t really worried about it until-

“Red Eyes Black Dragon attack! Wipe out my life points so Yugi’s key will be revealed!”

It shouldn’t have worked. The duel was already over. But it  _ did _ work, and I was able to get Yugi’s key just before the anchor dropped.

We hit the water hard. The impact made my body ache. My head already hurt enough just from having been under Marik’s control, and the frigid temperature of the water made it that much harder to think. 

I got Yugi’s shackle unlocked, but mine wouldn’t open. I didn’t have the right key. And I thought that was the end. I thought my friends were about to watch me die. I thought how much it hurt that I wouldn’t see them again. And then I thought how much it hurt that I wouldn’t see  _ you _ again.

The pain that flared through my chest made sense. I was almost out of air. My lungs were burning, trying to extract every last molecule of oxygen.

And then Serenity saved me. My sister, my brave sister who had only just regained her eyesight, who shouldn’t even have  _ been _ at the harbour, dove in and saved me. Even then, I couldn’t help thinking that it should have been you.

My chest still hurt even after we were all safely back on the dock. Even after the sun had set. And especially after you had walked away with that stupid white coat that I thought was so freaking cool billowing behind you.

I coughed, and a white petal landed in my hand, brought out by your unconscious rejection of me.

Just one, tiny, fragile white petal.

I shoved it into my pocket before anyone else could see it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And then after my duel with Odion there were more petals. Two, then three, then four… I kept to myself as much as possible. Blamed my coughing on allergies. I didn’t want anyone to know what was happening. I felt so stupid. So much more stupid - and I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling stupid.

It kept happening after that. Always just one. Always pure white. And always when I’d been thinking about you. There would be the pain in my chest, like my heart and my lungs were being crushed, and then I’d cough and...

And then after my duel with Odion there were more petals. Two, then three, then four… I kept to myself as much as possible. Blamed my coughing on allergies. I didn’t want anyone to know what was happening. I felt so stupid. So much  _ more _ stupid - and I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling stupid.

By the time I faced Marik, they numbered in their dozens. 

I had a coughing fit after I woke up. While your doctor was examining me. I couldn’t stop it and I couldn’t hide it. It was embarrassing. 

“You need to see a specialist,” he said, after I had cleaned it all up. 

He didn’t seem concerned or even particularly interested. Just completely matter-of-fact about it. I guess matter-of-fact is the default for your minions.

“Nah, I’m okay,” I replied, scratching the back of my head and trying to pretend that I was.

He wrote something on his clipboard then. “No, Mr Wheeler, you’re really not. You have stage zero Hanahaki disease. I am not qualified to advise or treat you further, but I can recommend a very good specialist.”

I know, I’m an idiot. I didn’t know what ‘stage zero’ meant, but it sounded scary. So I just took the specialist’s details and agreed to see him if you ever let us land. Before I left, I asked “Can you… can you  _ not _ tell Kaiba about this?”

“Your medical records are, of course, completely confidential.” 

Cold. Clinical. Kaiba Corp.

By the time the tournament was over, I’d coughed up several chrysanthemum bushes worth of petals. The craziness that was Battle City actually worked to my advantage. Everyone was too busy trying to prevent the end of the world to notice that there was anything up with me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between Serenity’s procedure, Dad’s debts, and our living costs, the Duellist Kingdom winnings had been wiped out pretty quickly. It took me a couple of weeks to save up enough to see Dr Amasawa. Just that one consult. It was all I could afford.

After Battle City was over, things stabilized. I wasn’t around you all the time anymore. I was still having coughing fits, producing dozens of petals at a time, but they were less frequent and less violent.

Between Serenity’s procedure, Dad’s debts, and our living costs, the Duellist Kingdom winnings had been wiped out pretty quickly. It took me a couple of weeks to save up enough to see Dr Amasawa. Just that one consult. It was all I could afford.

He examined me, like any ordinary general practitioner would, and was about to order a set of scans when I coughed up a handful of the petals in front of him.

“Yes, I see,” he said. “That does seem to fit with a diagnosis of stage zero Hanahaki. Have the petals increased in number or size recently?”

I shook my head. “Not in about two months.” That was true. Nothing much had changed since the end of the tournament.

“Well,” he said, “it is possible that you may be one of the lucky few who reach a plateau and don’t progress any further. It is annoying and inconvenient, I’m sure, but not life-threatening at this stage. I can prescribe you some medicine to soothe the irritation, a cough suppressant, and some painkillers, if you’d like.” He sat with his pen poised over his script pad. 

“No,” I said. “That’s okay. I’ll deal with it.” I wasn’t trying to be a tough guy or anything like that. I just didn’t want to think about how much all those pills were going to cost.

He nodded. “Well, if you’re sure. Keep an eye on things then. You’re fine so long as the petals stay white. If they change colour, or get much bigger, you’ll have to come back in so we can discuss treatment options.”

I thanked him for his time, and hoped that I would never see him again. 

And for a while, everything was fine. At least, as fine as it can be when you’re coughing up a chrysanthemum bush every other day. The petals were white. Like that ridiculous coat of yours. 

They were  _ staying _ white.

When it became clear to the others that I wasn’t getting better, despite the changing seasons, I knew I couldn’t blame allergies anymore. So I blamed smoking for my persistent cough. Téa had an absolute shitfit and called me an idiot. The others tried to get me to quit. 

They didn’t know that I hadn’t smoked in years - I quit when I left the gang.

I don’t know why it was easier for me to let them think I was being stupid and slowly killing myself with cigarettes than to let them know that I was being stupid and slowly killing myself with unrequited love. It just  _ was _ .

We settled back into a quiet routine. Things were okay.  _ I _ was okay.

And then you showed up at game night.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. Even being back on your stupid blimp, feeling the wrath of Ra, would have been preferable to sitting in Yugi’s living room with you. There could be no greater pain.

I wasn’t the only one who was stunned into silence when you showed up. Only Yugi seemed to have any idea that your joining us was even an option.

Of course, I shouldn’t really say that I was ‘stunned into silence’. After all, I had to excuse myself to hack up what felt like an entire bridal bouquet. 

I remember telling myself, as I stared in the mirror in Yugi’s bathroom, that you weren’t really there. Obviously I hadn’t diluted the cleaning supplies correctly at work earlier, and was hallucinating. I told myself that when I got back to the living room, you would be gone and I wouldn’t mention it because no one would know what I was talking about, because  _ you. weren’t. there. _

But when I went to rejoin the party, there you were, larger than life, sitting agura at the coffee table while Yugi set us up for Twilight Imperium. 

I felt like I was going mad. It felt wrong to see you so at home in such an informal setting. Your white coat was draped over the back of the couch, taunting me.

I learned the meaning of cognitive dissonance that night.

I wanted to be there. To be in your company. To be by your side. I wouldn’t have left for any amount of money you could offer me. There could be no greater pleasure.

I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. Even being back on your stupid blimp, feeling the wrath of Ra, would have been preferable to sitting in Yugi’s living room with you. There could be no greater pain.

But it was only going to be a one-time thing. I could sit through five hours of your snark for the sake of the group. Yugi was beaming like he’d just been crowned King of Games all over again. He believed he had finally gotten through to you.

And you didn’t insult me. Not once. 

No ‘deadbeat’. No ‘stray’. No ‘loser’. No ‘mutt’. 

There was a spark of hope that bloomed in my chest then. Maybe you’d finally realised that I had merit and value. That I wasn’t a ‘third rate duellist with a fourth rate deck’ after all.

But you barely said fifty words to me over the course of the night, and nothing that wasn’t directly related to the game. I tried not to take that to heart because it was the same for everyone else. 

Everyone except Yami.

I don’t remember who won the game, but I do remember that I lost.

I realised, as we all said goodbye and left Yugi’s, that you had been utterly transfixed by him all night. I saw the way you lingered in the doorway, not wanting to leave his side. I saw the way your hand twitched at your side, like you wanted to reach out and touch him. I recognised the signs of your infatuation, because it was like looking in a mirror.

That was the first night that I cried myself to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were so much closer than before. I wasn’t separated from you by a duel arena, or a classroom full of people. I wasn’t watching you dangling from a helicopter like an action hero, or seeing your face plastered on billboards and the sides of buildings. You were there, right in front of me. So close I could have touched you. If I’d had the guts to try.

When you didn’t show up the next week, I thought that was the end of it. I thought everything would go back to normal. We wouldn’t see each other outside of school, and eventually it would sink into my thick skull that I didn’t stand a chance. I would get over you, and become the happy, carefree guy everyone knew and loved. Or knew and hated, in your case.

But then you came back the week after that and said you’d made some adjustments to your schedule so you could make it a regular thing. Still not every week, but regularly anyway. I wanted to scream. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to cry.

You were so much closer than before. I wasn’t separated from you by a duel arena, or a classroom full of people. I wasn’t watching you dangling from a helicopter like an action hero, or seeing your face plastered on billboards and the sides of buildings. You were there, right in front of me. So close I could have touched you. If I’d had the guts to try.

But I didn’t. I just sat and watched. Observing everything you did. 

At first you would only show up for every third or fourth game night. And that was fine. I figured I could handle seeing you outside of school once a month. But then you started alternating weeks, and that was harder. And then it was every week, and I felt like I was dying. No, I’m not exaggerating. You were always the one with the flair for the dramatic.

It didn’t happen overnight. The change was gradual. About a month after you joined us permanently, I noticed the petals were a pale pink. 

That was the second time I cried myself to sleep.

Ryou offered to run a new tabletop roleplaying game for us. Vampire the Masquerade. He’d played it with Yami and Yugi before. They said they’d enjoyed it, and it sounded like fun, so we agreed - on the condition that none of us got miniaturized this time. 

And it  _ was _ fun. Pretending to be someone else for a few hours every week. Getting to be Oz Howell who had super strength and made his own rules, instead of Joey Wheeler who couldn’t even get over a stupid crush…

Everyone was so happy then. I tried not to let it get to me that you were looking at  _ him _ all the time.

For a while, it worked. But every week, the petals got a little darker and a little bigger. Just the tiniest little bit. And every time they did, I pushed myself a little further away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all going relatively well. I even thought I might be reaching some level of acceptance. The wounds were scabbing over. I was going to be okay. And then you, in your infinite genius, found a way to make me bleed all over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DRAMATIS PERSONAE FOR THIS CHAPTER:  
> Ryou - The Storyteller  
> Yami - Judas Trevithick, a Tremere  
> Joey - Oz Howell, a Gangrel  
> Kaiba - Gethen Baudelaire, a Ventrue
> 
> Yugi, Tea, Tristan, and Duke are all playing as well, but their characters are not important to the progression of this story
> 
> Vampire the Masquerade uses a d10 (10-sided die) system where a success is any roll that equals or exceeds the target number (difficulty) decided by the Storyteller.

It was all going relatively well. I even thought I might be reaching some level of acceptance. The wounds were scabbing over. I was going to be okay. And then you, in your infinite genius, found a way to make me bleed all over again.

The Chronicle had been going for about for 3 months. The Coterie worked well together, with a few minor personality clashes, as there always would be. We had just wrested the Talisman of Thatrobel from the hands of a Tzimisce named Seweryn. Tensions were high in the party as it became clear that Judas’s instructions from the Regent of his Chantry were in direct conflict with the mission assigned to us by the Prince. 

Our mission was to retrieve the item and return it to the Sheriff for safekeeping. The Tremere, however, wanted to keep it and study it. Which was probably not a bad idea, except for the whole going against the Prince’s instructions thing.

Gethen, true to his Ventrue nature, had taken control of the situation. He was already the de facto leader of the Coterie, so it hadn’t really been difficult. After we gained control of the talisman and the Tremere’s intentions had been revealed, he had called a vote. Unsurprisingly, the entire Coterie voted in favour of sticking to the mission.

That’s where things got sticky. It didn’t matter what we’d voted for when Judas, the dissenter, had actual, physical possession of the thing. 

“I could just tackle it away from him,” I said. 

“You could, if you wanted to risk going up against his Thaumaturgy,” you said, in character.

“But-”

“I said no. Stand down, Oz.” Typical fucking Ventrue. And typical of you, honestly. Which is why exactly no one was surprised you picked a Ventrue to play.

I’d created a Gangrel character because I wanted action, not politics. But of course, the game was inherently political, and this particular problem was probably best solved by social means. “Fine,” I grumbled.

Duke and Tristan both looked at me and rolled their eyes in sympathy. They would have preferred a more active solution, too.

“I’m going to attempt to persuade Judas to see the Camarilla point of view,” you said. Matter-of-fact. As always.

“Are you charming him or manipulating him?” Ryou asked.

“Charming,” you replied. “Manipulation isn’t my style.”

I could have said something about that, out of character, but I held my tongue.

The Storyteller nodded. “Roll charisma + expression, difficulty 7… no, wait... difficulty 6 ‘cause you’ve had a pretty good relationship with Judas up to now.”

You checked your stats and made the roll. “4 successes, 2 10s.”

Ryou’s eyes widened. “Uh… that is a pretty beefy success. Not only do you get through to Judas, but he is charmed to such an extent that he kisses you.”

Your smirk may have been in character as Gethen, but the blush that coloured your cheeks was definitely not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GLOSSARY:  
> VTM = Vampire the Masquerade  
> Chronicle = VTM equivalent of "campaign", i.e. the story being played through  
> Coterie = VTM equivalent of "party", i.e. the group of players  
> Prince = the ruler of a Camarilla territory  
> Camarilla = one of the factions in VTM: the "law and order" side, opposed to Anarch (rebels) and Sabbat (essentially a doomsday cult)  
> Sheriff = the Prince's enforcer and/or second-in-command  
> Regent = the head of a Tremere Chantry  
> Tremere = one of the clans in VTM: scholars and mages who use blood magic known as Thaumaturgy  
> Chantry = the "home base" of the Tremere in a city, serves as a stronghold, a haven, and a research facility  
> Tzimisce = one of the clans in VTM: inhuman, sadistic, flesh-shapers; "mad scientists" but with magic  
> Gangrel = one of the clans in VTM: animalistic, strong, independent; "punks" and "agitators"  
> Ventrue = one of the clans in VTM: the elite of vampire society, the "powers that be"
> 
> I hope that covers everything you need to know...


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day I spoke to my manager and got myself scheduled for every second game night for the rest of the quarter. Next quarter, I’d be working every night. Then I called Ryou and asked him to help me play Oz out of the game.

I shot to my feet before I even had time to register what was happening.

“Joey?” Ryou asked, his voice even gentler than normal, full of concern.

I slapped my hand in front of my mouth and mumbled, “bathroom.”

He looked at his watch and nodded. “Right everyone, let’s take a bio break. Stretch, get some refreshments, and we’ll meet back here in fifteen?”

I didn’t make it back in fifteen. 

I spent the next half hour in the bathroom, hacking up magenta. When I did eventually get back to the group, I claimed food poisoning, and called it a night. Everyone bought that lie, too. Why wouldn’t they? They knew my eating habits were less than ideal. I believe you used the words ‘disgusting’ and ‘atrocious’, and even ‘garbage disposal’, once. 

So I was bound to get food poisoning sooner or later, wasn’t I?

The next day I spoke to my manager and got myself scheduled for every second game night for the rest of the quarter. Next quarter, I’d be working every night. Then I called Ryou and asked him to help me play Oz out of the game.

“You know we don’t have to write you out completely, right?” he said. “We can sideline you for a bit. Set it up that the Prince sends you on a secret mission or something.”

I shook my head. “No, I can’t commit to coming back. It’s better that Oz meets his Final Death.”

“What’s going on?” he asked. He always was more observant than the rest of the group, except maybe Yugi.

“I just… have some unexpected expenses,” I said. It wasn’t a total lie. I was going to have to see Dr Amasawa again, after all. “So I’m going to be picking up as many shifts as I can in the foreseeable future. Probably gonna have to miss some school, too.”

He frowned at that. “I can help you there. However much you need, Joey, I can lend it to you.”

“I don’t take charity.”

“It’s not charity, it’s a loan. Without Oz the whole group dynamic is off.” He pouted as he said it, and I had to admit it was unreasonably cute.

If only I’d fallen for him. Sweet, caring, gentle Ryou. How happy we could have been. But no, my idiot ass had to choose the most arrogant, smug, self-centered, brilliant, completely irresistible bastard I knew.

I forced myself to laugh. “Now you’re just being silly. Duke’s a better tank than I am, and Tristan’s a better damage dealer. The Coterie really doesn't need me.”

“Joey…” He seemed to pick up on the subtext. That I was really saying the group didn’t need me anymore. 

“Drop it, Ryou,” I whispered. “Please.”

And he did.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I nodded mutely, sticking my fingers through the holes in the knees of my jeans. I toyed with the white strands. Plucked and flicked them, wondering if they would fray like my nerves. Like my heart. 

It was another 3 weeks before I had enough money to see the specialist. I was working so much that I didn’t see you outside of school. And while you ignored me at school, you also ignored him, and that made it easier to deal with. 

“This is obviously not ideal,” Dr Amasawa said, looking at the plastic bag I’d given him. It was full of dark pink petals. “Based on your last visit, I had hoped that you would remain stable in stage zero. But the timeline you’ve given me is concerning. Your progression through stage one and into stage two has been too rapid.”

I couldn’t look directly at him. My eyes wandered around the examination room. All stark white and mint. It was supposed to be a calming colour, but it just looked sickly to me.

I nodded mutely, sticking my fingers through the holes in the knees of my jeans. I toyed with the white strands. Plucked and flicked them, wondering if they would fray like my nerves. Like my heart. 

I let the fibers dig into my fingers. The threads held on so tightly they threatened to cut me. I wished they would. That pain would be better than this pain.

“Do you know what triggered this sudden acceleration?” he asked.

I nodded again, still unable to meet his eye. “He started hanging out with us more…” I mumbled.

Pluck.

“I see. Mr Wheeler, I think you know what I’m going to say.”

“I can guess, yeah. An’ I already backed out of pretty much everything. I’m not tryin’ to see him.” I didn’t say it but I thought,  _ I’m not tryin’ to die. _

“That should help, but I can’t say how much. I’m going to have to prescribe you some medication to try and slow the progression. And you’ll have to see me again. Let’s say three months if your condition remains stable, but if anything changes, you’ll have to come in immediately.”

Flick.

“I-” I sighed. “I can’t afford this, doc. Not the meds. Not the consults. None of it. I barely got enough money together for this appointment…”

He took his glasses off and pinched the bridge of his nose. “You are too young to throw your life away just because you had the misfortune to fall in love. We will work something out. I know you’re still in high school, but do you have any marketable skills?”

I shrugged. “I’ve been working as a janitor part-time for the last couple of years.”

“That’s good, you can work it off.” He scribbled something on a piece of paper, folded it in half, and handed it to me. “Give this to Yvette at reception on your way out. She’ll contact you in a couple of days with a work schedule, and arrange for your treatment.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I dreamed you looked at me with the fierce, longing looks I’d seen you give him, or that you reached for me with demanding hands. Hot breathy whispers in my ear, and fingers tangling in my hair.

The meds helped. It still hurt, but at least I wasn’t getting any worse. I worked at Dr Amasawa’s clinic a couple of hours after school every day, and then went to my other jobs afterwards. Most of the time I was too busy and too tired to obsess about you, and that helped, too.

Except in the small hours of the morning, my brain would betray me and I’d dream of you. Sometimes the dreams were full of the kind of sweet smiles and gentle touches you would never give me in real life. 

Sometimes I dreamed you looked at me with the fierce, longing looks I’d seen you give him, or that you reached for me with demanding hands. Hot breathy whispers in my ear, and fingers tangling in my hair.

More often you mocked me. Fought me and insulted me. In the worst of them, you ignored me. Not out of obliviousness to my presence or because you were focused on him, but wilfully turned away from me.

No matter the content of the dreams, I always woke up covered in sweat, my lungs aching as I produced another bouquet to offer at the shrine of my dignity. 

But I didn’t get any  _ worse _ . That was the key. And when my three month check-up came around, Dr Amasawa was pleased with the results of the treatment.

“I think it’s probably safe for you to see your friends again,” he said. “It’s not good for a boy your age to be so isolated and working all the time. Just try to limit your interactions with the one who…”

So I started to make myself available for game nights again. Once a month, maybe. The medicine was keeping everything in check, and it was good to spend time with everyone. Even if I did keep mostly to myself, on the other side of the room from you. As far away as I could possibly get. I only joined the games you weren’t playing, the conversations you weren’t participating in. But I couldn’t keep my eyes from flicking over to you at every opportunity. 

And I saw Ryou watching me as I was watching you. My face heated as I locked eyes with him, and I knew he knew. But being the absolute gentleman that he is, he said nothing while we were in public. In private though…

“Does Kaiba have something to do with your ‘unexpected expenses’?” he asked me as we sat eating gelato in the park. 

I sighed. “You’re way too smart, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told. But you didn’t answer the question. Which, in itself, is an answer.”

“Yeah,” I said, fidgeting with the disposable spoon. “Yeah, it is. I’m in love with him.”

He smiled sadly.

“And I have Hanahaki disease.” Despite the shame I felt, I had to admit that there was something freeing about sharing the secret.

“Oh, shit.” The words tumbled from his mouth before he could stop them. “I’m sorry. What… how far…?”

“Stage two. The meds help. They’re buying me time. But-”

“But Kaiba’s in love with the Pharaoh.”

I nodded.

“Shit,” he said. “Fuck. That’s so fucked.”

“Yeah, it is. Just… please don’t tell anyone.”

“I promise,” he whispered.

We sat in silence for a while, the remnants of the gelato melting in the cups beside us. Tears dripped from my chin, making drop marks on the denim of my jeans.

He put his hand on mine and squeezed. I know it was meant to comfort, to make me feel better, but it only served to remind me how pathetic I was. How far outside the realm of possibility it was that you could ever love me.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe that I didn’t notice. Didn’t figure it out. There are none so blind as those who will not see, I guess. 

I wish I had paid more attention. That probably sounds stupid, given that I’ve already admitted to watching you obsessively. And I don’t know what I would have done if I  _ had _ paid more attention. The knowledge wouldn’t have done anything to help, really, would it?

See, when I saw you coughing for the first time, it was the middle of winter. It’s  _ normal _ for people to cough in the middle of winter. And you didn’t seem disturbed by it. You just excused yourself, and came back a few minutes later, and that was that.

I can’t believe that I didn’t notice. Didn’t figure it out.  _ There are none so blind as those who will not see _ , I guess. 

So when I ran into you coming out of Dr Amasawa’s office in the spring, I thought I must have had a stroke. Or slipped on the floor I’d been mopping and cracked my head open. That would be just like me, wouldn’t it?

And then you growled at me. 

Actually growled. Like something feral. 

And you used to call  _ me _ a mutt...

“Hey, I didn’t see anything,” I said defensively. “You were never here.  _ I _ was never here.”

“Ha. Like I believe that. You’re coming with me.” You grabbed me by the arm and marched me out to your waiting car.

I’m ashamed to admit that that touch thrilled me. I knew you were gripping my arm too tightly, that I would have bruises tomorrow. The feeling of your skin on mine had my heart racing. I could hear my blood pumping like a drum in my ears.

“Speak,” you commanded as soon as the car door was closed.

I almost pouted when you took your hand away, but I did my best to keep my expression stoic. “What do you want me to say, Kaiba? I work at the clinic after school. That’s all there is to it.”

“How much do you know?” you asked.

That’s when I noticed that you weren’t making eye contact. I had been watching you for years. You  _ always _ maintained eye contact. Your infamous stare was part of the reason why so many people were afraid of you. You had a built in intimidation tactic. Why would you not use it?

“About Hanahaki? Or about you?” I lifted my right hand to massage my left arm where you had grabbed me. It hadn’t hurt while you were doing it, but now it ached.

“Either. Both. Whatever.”

I sighed. “Relax. I’m just a janitor. I don’t have access to patient files. And as for Hanahaki… Well, I know what it is, the symptoms, the stages, the recommended treatments.”

“The cause?”

“Yeah,” I said. “I know that too.”

“I don’t… I can’t…” you started.

“It’s okay. I’m not interested in your secrets.”

I watched your eyes narrow and your brows furrow, even though you weren’t looking at me. “Everyone is interested in  _ my _ secrets, mutt.”

“Tch. Don’t flatter yourself. Back to the mutt stuff, huh?”

And that’s when you finally looked at me. Properly. Making and maintaining eye contact, like a normal human being. “Please, Wheeler. Promise me you won’t tell anyone I was here.”

“Well then I guess I’d better make you make the same promise,” I said.

Your eyes went wide then. “You mean, you…?”

“Yes,” I said, keeping my voice as flat as possible. 

What more was there to say? You didn’t need the details. It wouldn’t have made any difference. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I felt the tell-tale pressure building in my chest. Like there was a python wrapped around my lungs. Squeezing. Crushing. Fuck.

You looked so frightened. So vulnerable. Like, for the first time ever, you actually considered me a threat. I never wanted that. I didn’t want you scared of me. I just wanted you to see  _ me _ . Not Joey Wheeler the loser stray dog from the wrong side of the tracks, but Joey Wheeler the person.

This was the longest you’d ever looked at me. The most attention you’d ever given me. I felt my skin burning up, my face flushing. But I knew that even while you were looking at me, you weren’t  _ seeing _ me. The attention you were giving me wasn’t the attention I wanted. The attention I needed. 

I felt the tell-tale pressure building in my chest. Like there was a python wrapped around my lungs. Squeezing. Crushing.  _ Fuck _ .

I shoved my hand into my pocket, searching for my handkerchief, but it wasn’t there.  _ Double fuck _ .

I had no choice. There was no time for anything else. I couldn’t stop it. I coughed into my hand.

Your eyes grew wide as you saw the deep pink petals. “Fuck. You’re…”

I turned away, closing my hand on my shame. I looked out the window. At the floor. Your shoes. My jeans. Anywhere but directly at you. “Yeah. Stage two.”

“Who…?”

I shook my head. “I’ll tell ya anythin’ else. Just not that.”

“Mai.” It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. Said with all confidence. Because you’re Seto Kaiba and you know fucking everything.

I had to laugh at that. Everyone always thought that, and yeah, once upon a time- 

I mean, she’s fucking hot. Smart. Devious, even. Driven. Confident as hell. 

So apparently I have a type.

And I  _ do _ love her. But I’m not  _ in love _ with her. It’s not like that. 

We had our thing at Duellist Kingdom. Got the hormones out of our systems. And when it was over, we agreed to never speak of it again. It was awkward as hell when we first ran into each other in Battle City...

“No.” I said eventually.

You drummed your fingers on your knee, bringing my attention to the fact that you were, once again, wearing leather pants. Like I needed that particular stimulus on top of everything else. 

I could  _ hear _ the wheels turning in your brain as you tried to figure out who it was. “Don’t, Kaiba. I’m not gonna tell ya.”

You huffed, like a toddler being told he can’t have candy before dinner. “Fine. What are you going to do?”

“Nothin’,” I said with a shrug. “Keep workin’ here. Take the meds.”

“You’re not going to try to get her to love you back?” Your tone was cagey and a little condescending.

“ _ He _ is in love with someone else.” I could feel your gaze on my face, but I resisted the urge to look at you. If I had looked at you then, it would have been over for me. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah… Look, I understand ya have questions, but I gotta get back to work. I’m not gettin’ paid while I’m out here yakkin’ with ya.”

That shook you from whatever weird contemplative state you were drifting into. “Of course,” you said.

I started for the door.

“Wheeler, wait-”

“Yeah?”

“I want to talk more with you,” you said. “When you’re not working. Come to Kaiba Corp when you have time. I’ll make sure security knows to let you in.”

“Sure,” I said, scrambling out of the car and back into the clinic to finish my shift.    
  



	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why don’t you sit down for a minute, Joey? I have some time before my next appointment, and it looks to me like you need to talk.”

“So, I know I probably shouldn’t ask, but…” the doctor started when I went into his office between appointments to empty the bin.

“But ya will anyway.”

He chuckled. “Yes, I will. What was all that about earlier?”

I shifted uncomfortably, unsure whether I should actually answer or not. I suppose it was only fair that he would ask. I’d been grumping around the clinic since you left. Obviously, people were missing my usual sunny demeanour. 

“Why don’t you sit down for a minute, Joey? I have some time before my next appointment, and it looks to me like you need to talk.”

I sat. I  _ did _ need to talk, but this was all so stupid. So embarrassing. I fidgeted with the edge of the rubber gloves I was wearing. Picking and pulling at it. My hands need to be busy, I guess. 

“I know this is difficult for you, but you know that anything you say in this office stays in this office, right?” he said gently, taking his glasses off and giving them a wipe.

So I told him everything. That you’re the one, the reason I need treatment. And everything else.

“I see,” he said. He shifted in his chair. “I actually think you  _ should  _ go and see him. Talk things out.”

I felt like my eyes were going to pop right out of my skull. “Are you fuckin’ serious?”

“Language.”

“Sorry, doc. I just… that can’t be good with my condition an’ all.”

Dr Amasawa smiled. “Actually, I think it would do you both a lot of good. As long as you’re still taking your meds as directed.”

“Well, yeah, ‘course I am. I know I’m not the smartest person, but I’m no idiot.”

“Of course not,” he said. “Now why don’t you take the rest of the evening off and go see him.”

So that’s how I ended up in your office at 7pm on a Thursday night. Cursing you because you had never looked more beautiful or more comfortable. Seeing you at that desk, all of Domino City glinting like a million diamonds behind you, I understood why you worked so much. It was your natural habitat.

“What’d ya wanna know?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant and not like a teenage boy alone in a room with his crush.

“Everything,” you said. Because of course you did. Greedy bastard.

I sighed. “Well, I’m not gonna tell ya everythin’ so deal.”

“Fine. Tell me what you’re willing to tell me.”

I told you when it started - at least, when the first symptoms appeared - and the timeline of its progression. I told you how the meds were helping. Everything Dr Amasawa had said. Literally everything except who caused it.

“Is it one of the Nerd Herd?” you asked.

I cringed. Not just because that’s a shitty nickname, but because I didn’t know how to answer the question. Were you one of us? Would you know if I said ‘yes and no’? Probably. I’d already told you it wasn’t Mai, and you’re the only other person who’s half-in, half-out. “No comment.”

“That usually means ‘yes’,” you said. 

“No comment.” I repeated.

Eventually, I got you to drop it. And then you shared your story, also carefully leaving out the ‘who’. It didn’t matter. I already knew. We all did.

And then it was 10pm, and I had to get home. You offered to drive me. I said no. We may have been more comfortable, less antagonistic, in each other’s presence, but I still didn’t want you seeing where I lived.

You walked me out, saw me to the nearest bus-stop. “Thank you, Wheeler. For sharing what you did. I know I haven’t been the nicest person to you, but I do hope you get better.”

“Me too, Kaiba,” I said quietly. “I mean, I hope you get better, too.”

“Mm. Tomorrow... We’re at Ryou’s this week, right?”

I nodded. “See ya there.”

And then you were gone, and I went home and cried myself to sleep again because the world was a horrible, cruel place.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I wondered whether I should bail on game night. I went back and forth on it a hundred times over the course of the day.

I woke up with a feeling of dread knotting my bowels. 

All the way through the school day, I fought the sense that everything was wrong. Even Duke, not usually known for being an empathetic soul, asked if I was okay.

Well, what was I supposed to say? _Actually, no, I’m a big, dumb idiot who had the big, dumb idiot luck to fall in love with Kaiba, who would absolutely yeet himself into space before he even considered looking at me. And in any case, would you look at that, he’s in love with Yami, and I’m just going to go die a painful, flowery death in the corner now._

“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said instead. “Jus’ dealin’ with some family stuff, y’know?”

He nodded and turned back to the rest of the group.

And all the way through my shift at the clinic, that uneasy feeling continued to splash around in my stomach. 

I wondered whether I should bail on game night. I went back and forth on it a hundred times over the course of the day.

I told myself I should go because that’s what a good friend would do. I told myself I shouldn’t because what kind of friend inflicts their doom on everyone else?

I told myself I should go because Dr Amasawa said I needed to spend social time with my friends. I told myself I shouldn’t because Dr Amasawa had said I should limit my exposure to you. Even if he was the one who told me to talk to you. 

In the end, it was because I had told you that I’d be there that I even went in the first place.

But with nerves frayed from the angst of my life post-Battle City, and eyes that had cried enough to flood the Nile, and that dreadful sinking, gnawing, vacuum at the center of my being, I did something stupid.

Just call me Joey Wheeler, King of Bad Choices.

On my way from the clinic to Ryou’s I stopped and, using a fake ID I’d hung onto from my gang days, bought a couple of beers. And once I was there, I greeted everyone, made small talk for about half a minute, and then settled myself in a corner away from all the action.

“Since when do you drink?” Duke asked when I was about halfway through my second bottle. 

I really didn’t enjoy the taste, and the smell of it reminded me of my dad who was so often passed out in puddles of stale beer. And other miscellaneous liquids. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree, huh? I don’t know if the divorce or his drinking came first, but it didn’t matter really. We were both losers, always would be. Our lives were destined to suck, so we may as well check out.

“Since nunya,” I replied, more bite in my tone than I had ever used with any of my friends before. Apparently I’m a mean drunk, too. That’s great. Thanks Dad.

“Rude,” said the dice-obsessed teen.

“C’mon, Joey, why don’t you stop drinking and play a game with us?” Tea asked.

I mimicked her voice, like a freaking elementary schooler. 

“Just leave him be,” Yami said, before dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper that completely failed to be inaudible - I heard every word. “He’s obviously going through something, so we should give him the space to do that.”

I rolled my eyes and just kept drinking. 

Between games, Tristan came over to check on me. “You wanna talk about why you’re suddenly sucking down beer like it’s going out of style?”

I just stared at him, draining the rest of the bottle.

“I know it’s not my place to ask…”

“You’re right,” I said. “It’s not your fucking place. So why don’t you just fuck off?”

The world seemed to stop then.

“You wanna take this outside, asshole?” he growled.

“Let’s go.” I stood, getting ready to push him out of my way, but instead found myself on the floor.

Tristan hadn’t moved and I couldn’t figure out how I’d gotten there.

“Shit,” he muttered. “You’re a fucking lightweight, aren’t you.”

I wanted to growl at him that I absolutely was not, but I couldn’t get the words to form. I couldn’t seem to get anything to do, well, _anything_.

“Guys, I’m gonna take Joey home. I dunno what’s going on, but he’s in no state.”

“Do you want some help?” Ryou asked. “We can call it a night.”

Tristan shook his head. “Nah, you all go on. I’ll deal with this asshole.” 

He hoisted me up onto his back, like I was a ragdoll. It felt so strange. I was sure I was awake, but everything felt so fuzzy. And not in the good, plushy, fancy bathrobe kinda way. In the glitch-in-the-matrix, channel testing pattern, static kind of way. I wondered if I was drooling. I couldn’t tell.

“Can someone grab the door for me?” he asked.

“I’ll do it,” you said, walking over. “I have to check my messages anyway.” 

Tristan started towards the door, but stumbled, tripping over… I don’t even know what. I felt myself sliding off his back. I was going to fall.

But then, lightning fast, you caught me with one hand. “Well, don’t drop him.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Maybe I should drive him home. Just to be safe.”

“No,” I grumbled against Tristan’s back. “Don’t want that.” 

Even intoxicated, I knew that no amount of private time with Kaiba was worth him seeing where I lived. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in this story, the whole Orichalcos fever-dream never happened. But my darling, beloved OperaGoose didn't want to lose 'the catch', so... here it is, in its new form.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My eyes burned as I tried to focus on the clock. I groaned when I saw the time. I had already missed my shift at the service station. I would have to stop in there after school and explain myself. And hope that I didn’t lose my job.

I woke up sweaty and sticky, in a mess of flowers and vomit. Every cell, every pore, every fiber ached. I regretted everything.

My eyes burned as I tried to focus on the clock. I groaned when I saw the time. I had already missed my shift at the service station. I would have to stop in there after school and explain myself. And hope that I didn’t lose my job.

Fuck, I needed that money now more than ever.

And then there was school… even if I ran directly from my bed, I was going to be late. I debated closing my eyes for another 10 minutes because what difference would it make, right? And that led down the rabbit hole of ‘why even bother going to school at all’?

I was dying anyway. I could just  _ not _ do the things. Not work 3 jobs, not study, not pay the bills, not cook and clean, and be everything for everyone else but me… But that’s not who I am, right? Joey Wheeler is dependable. Joey Wheeler is strong. Joey Wheeler is self-sacrificing.

Joey Wheeler doesn't drink, though, so what the fuck do I know?

I pushed myself out of bed with a grunt and a groan. I’d made such a fucking mess of things.

First things first, I needed a shower. Then I’d get my bed clothes washed and my bedroom cleaned up. And then I’d have to go to school and face my friends. I just hoped that I wouldn’t also have to face you.

I was hardly in the classroom before Tristan had me by the collar and was pulling me up to the roof.

“Tris’, I’m sorry,” I said, as soon as we reached the rooftop. “I was an ass last night.”

“Yeah, you were. But that’s not the point.”

“I know.” Eye contact was going to be virtually impossible.

I could feel him staring at me, and I waited for the barrage to come. But it never did. It was like he was scared. Or nervous. Or…

“I’m worried about you, Joey,” he said eventually. “I’ve known you how many years now? Through the gang and everything else… All that time and you’ve never so much as taken a sip.”

“I-” I started, but he cut me off.

“I know I’m not the smartest or the most observant, but I  _ know _ you. Something serious has to be going down for you to start acting like your old man. So, please, just tell me what it is.”

I nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I owe you an explanation.”

“No, you don’t. You don’t owe me anything. But I would  _ like _ an explanation anyway.”

“Swear this stays between us?” I pleaded. “I’m not ready for everyone else to know. But you’re right, you’ve been my best friend for forever and you deserve to know the truth.”

“Joey, I promise, whatever you’re about to tell me stops with me.”

There was nothing else for it then. I took a deep breath. “I’m dying.”

“You’re what?!”

“Shh, it’s okay,” I said, motioning for him to calm down. “I have Hanahaki Disease.”

“Dude, is that all? You had me really worried.”

“I’m serious, Tris’. I’m not gonna drop dead tomorrow or anything, but I  _ am _ dying of Hanahaki.”

He rolled his eyes. “So who is it? I’m sure if you just tell her how you feel-”

“It’s not that easy,” I said, cutting him off.

“Oh, come on. You’re a total stud! She’d have to be an idiot to turn you down.”

“ _ He _ ,” I said, pointedly, “is anything  _ but _ an idiot.”

Tristan’s mouth hung open. “S-since when are you… gay?”

“I’m not,” I said. “At least, I don’t  _ think _ I am. I think… I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s just Kaiba.”

“Oh, you have got to be shitting me.”

I sighed and shook my head. “The heart wants what the heart wants.”

“You have no chance,” he said.

I laughed, but there was no joy in it. “Hey, what happened to me being ‘a total stud’?”

“To literally anyone else in the school. But not-”

“But not Kaiba,” I said. “Yeah, I know. He only has eyes for-”

“Yami,” Tristan said, further cementing my feeling that everyone knew about you. 

“Boy, I’m really glad I talked him out of driving you home last night, or you’d be even more boned than you already are.”

I nodded, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks at the memory of you catching me, sure that would be the only time you ever voluntarily touched me.

And now two people knew my secret. I suppose two-and-a-half, actually, since you knew the what but not the who.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The happy, quiet life never lasts though. It was two weeks, or maybe a month, later when Yugi made the announcement at game night. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh... major canon divergence happening in this fic. I should probably add that to the tags, huh?

Aside from the fact that I was in one form of pain or another all day, it was actually a surprisingly mild, uneventful day. I made it through the school day with only a few hiccups. It helped that you weren’t there, although I did find myself wondering where you were.

I’d be lying if I said I understood even one-tenth of what we covered in class. I was too busy trying to steel myself for my apology to the service station. And my next shift at the clinic. And my janitorial shift at the office park after that. 

At least those things, sweeping floors and fuelling cars, were usually pretty easy to know when you’d fucked up. 

Not that  _ you  _ had fucked up. That  _ I’d  _ fucked up. You know what I mean.

But the day passed fairly quietly. I grovelled at the service station and was rewarded with a “we figured you must have been sick, since you work so hard all the time” and I got to keep my job. 

The happy, quiet life never lasts though. It was two weeks, or maybe a month, later when Yugi made the announcement at game night. 

You weren’t there. Again. You hadn’t been since I embarrassed myself. I wanted to check on you, wanted with everything in me to be there for you. But I’d had another appointment with Dr Amasawa since then, and the outcome had been less than ideal, and I had to prioritise my wellbeing over yours. That hurt to do, but I wasn’t ready to die just yet.

“We’ve been working with the Ishtars for a while now,” Yugi said. “We think we know how to uh… how to separate ourselves. And how to get… to send...”

Yami took over then, to cover the tremor in Yugi’s voice. “What Yugi’s trying to say is that it’s time for me to go home.”

For a moment, you could have heard a pin drop. None of us were even breathing, I don’t think. 

And then the world exploded in noise and colour as everyone scrambled to argue against the plan. Yami was as much a part of our group as Yugi was, and none of us wanted him to leave.

Well, that’s not really true. Some, not insignificant, part of me did. Wanted him gone so maybe you could finally see me. And if you couldn’t, then you’d be in the same boat as me, at least. And we’d both die, sad, alone, and unfulfilled.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I had already decided what I would do if Yugi lost. 

I can only imagine what your reaction would have been if you had found out about the plan more than five minutes before it happened. If you hadn’t been busy with whatever it was that you were busy with. The temper tantrum you would have had. The lengths you’d have gone to to stop it. But there was no time and, for once, you didn’t have the power.

Not that you didn’t try, of course. You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t demand things be done your way, and sulk when they weren’t. I wonder if it would have been better if you had missed it entirely. If you had just come back from your super secret clubhouse a day later, and found out that Yami was already gone. 

But that’s not what happened.

I know I was selfish. That I should have felt more torn up about the duel. And I  _ was _ sad that, if Yugi won, we were about to lose a friend forever. I  _ was _ sad that Yugi would lose a part of himself, and that Téa would be hurt. And that  _ you _ would be hurt. But if I was going to have any chance at all, I had to believe that Yugi would win.

And I had already decided what I would do if Yugi lost. 

It was an easy decision to make, especially with the knowledge that the meds were losing their efficacy, and that moving to a higher dosage wasn’t recommended.

Surgery was the only treatment option left. Dr Amasawa had explained it all. They could open me up, butterfly me like a shrimp, and clear out every trace of plant matter from my heart and my lungs. All of the symptoms would disappear, instantly, but so would my love for you. And I would never be able to get it back.

There was even a chance that I’d lose all my memories of you. That I would forget you entirely.

Even if a miracle happened and you suddenly saw me, felt something other than contempt for me, I would be cold and emotionless to you. 

That wasn’t something I wanted. To be alive and not love you… To be alive and not know who you were… I didn’t know what that was, what that would be like, and I didn’t want to know.

No, I’d already decided. If Yugi lost, I would simply give up. Stop working, stop studying, stop hanging out. Stop seeing you. Stop taking the meds that weren’t really working anymore anyway, and just let the disease take its course. 

But that’s not what happened either.

Yugi won. 

Yami, Atem, left. 

And the pain I saw on your face nearly broke me. 

I wanted, so badly, to reach out to you. To take you in my arms and offer you comfort. To kiss your hurt away. To make you forget. 

I would have done anything to remind you that people other than him still existed. That  _ I _ existed. 

Instead, I let you walk away.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I was worried. Scared. But I was too much of a coward to call you, or try to see you. I wasn’t sure if I would still be on the approved visitors list at KC. I didn’t think you would want to see me, even if I was.

We didn’t see you for a couple of weeks after that. You didn’t come to school. You didn’t come to game night. You didn’t come to the clinic.

I was worried. Scared. But I was too much of a coward to call you, or try to see you. I wasn’t sure if I would still be on the approved visitors list at KC. I didn’t think you would want to see me, even if I was.

And in the meantime, my condition deteriorated. Slowly. Slower than we’d thought it would. I don’t know if not seeing you helped or hurt. Both, probably. It was always both.

And then-

“Wheeler,” you said, as you passed me on your way out of the clinic. 

I didn’t need to ask. Your voice was strained, your eyes tired. You looked worn out. Used up. Like I felt. Whatever the doc had told you, it wasn’t what you wanted to hear.

But even in that state, I thought there was no one on earth more beautiful. No one as close to perfect. 

“Kaiba,” I replied.

I assumed that you would leave then, and I wouldn’t see you again for who knows how long. Maybe never, if we kept on the way we were. But you didn’t leave. You stopped just shy of the door and turned to me.

“I-” you started. “Do you have time?”

“My shift is over in an hour forty,” I said, looking at my watch. But the way you looked, I didn’t know if you would make it that long. “I’ll ask the doc if I can leave early today.”

You shook your head. “No, don’t disrupt your schedule for me. I can wait.”

“Are you sure?” I was utterly unprepared for the idea that you were capable of waiting for anyone. Especially me. After all, you weren’t known for your patience.

“I’m sure. There’s a cafe down the street-”

“Cafe Alexis?”

“That’s the one. I’ll wait for you there,” you said before a terrible hacking cough tore through you.

I helped you over to a trash can in the corner and gingerly ran a hand over your back as you expelled the floral masses from your lungs. My heart lodged in its throat as I saw the colour. We were both in stage three, then. Both getting worse. Both inching closer to an untimely, vegetal death.

And then you left. Without a word. 

My chest constricted, and I found myself turning to the same trash can you had used. Somewhere in my sick brain, I thought that was kind of beautiful. At least there was somewhere in the world where a little bit of you and a little bit of me mingled together.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A waitress came over and you ordered for us. I didn’t argue. Even if it cost me every cent I had, everything I would earn for the next month, the next year, it would be worth it to have this time with you.

“Ya look rough,” I said, sliding into the booth opposite you. 

I’d never been in here. Cafe Alexis was too rich for my blood. Even just a coffee would put a significant dent in my wallet. But I’d heard some of the clinic’s patients talking about it and, by all accounts, it was well worth it. Apparently the owner was Cordon Bleu trained. It made sense that it would be your kind of place.

“I could say the same for you,” you replied with a quiet, dark chuckle that made my chest ache.

I felt the corner of my mouth twitch, not quite a smile, just an acknowledgement that I’d heard you. 

A waitress came over and you ordered for us. I didn’t argue. Even if it cost me every cent I had, everything I would earn for the next month, the next year, it would be worth it to have this time with you.

“How’ve ya been, Kaiba?” I asked. I looked at your hands on the table. So pale. Trembling ever so slightly. 

I wanted to reach out, put my hands over yours. I flexed my fingers under the table, resisting that urge. My hands tingled. The coffee arrived then, and I gratefully wrapped my hands around the mug. At least when I was holding it, I had a reason to not be holding you.

You took a sip of your coffee, and for a moment you almost looked like your old self. And then you sighed. “I- have not been well,” you said.

I nodded. “I figured.”

“The Pharaoh’s departure has been difficult. I- Even you must have figured it out by now.”

“Yeah,” I said, taking a sip of my own coffee. “I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but ya weren’t exactly subtle about it. We’ve all known for a long time.”

You laughed, another one of those dark laughs that said there was nothing humorous about the situation. You laughed because if you didn’t, you would cry instead.

And again, my chest constricted. I turned away, to cough discreetly into a napkin.

“You’re not any better, then?” you asked.

I shook my head. “No, I’m not. Actually-”

“You’re getting worse.”

“Yeah.”

“So am I,” you said. “I- I assume it’s for the same reason. The doctor says now that he’s gone, now that he’s not- Now that he’s not coming back, there’s no chance of recovery.”

I couldn’t help but notice the tremor in your voice. It matched the tremor in your hands. I chanced a look at your face. Saw the telltale glisten in your eyes.

Briefly, I considered whether it would be better to lie, and let you think that I was in love with him, too. But it didn’t feel right to do that. Lying to you by omission was one thing, but outright lying? I couldn’t do that.

“No,” I said quietly. “I know it’s hard to believe. The timin’ an’ all… I wouldn’t believe me either, but it’s not him.”

“But-”

I took another sip of my coffee. “It’s not him, Kaiba. But I  _ am _ gettin’ worse, you’re right. The meds aren’t workin’ anymore.”

“So you’re going to have the surgery,” you said.

I shook my head. “That’s not happenin’.”

Your eyes went wide. Your free hand clenched on the table. “But- why? Wheeler, you’ll die without it.”

“I know.”

“Is it the money? If it is- don’t let the expense cost you your life.  _ I’ll _ pay,” you said, looking away. 

My heart ached. I was full of hope that you actually cared for me. Full of despair that you didn’t know what you were offering.

“Why would you-”

“If the Pharaoh leaving has taught me anything, it’s that I need to be more appreciative of the people in my life. I know that we have not always seen eye-to-eye, but you- you and the others-” you said, toying with your now-empty coffee mug. “You’ve been good to me. Even when I didn’t deserve it.  _ Especially _ when I didn’t deserve it. As much as I’ve tried to fight it, we’re friends. I don’t want you, any of you, to die.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s not the money, Kaiba,” I said when I’d recovered from my coughing fit. “I don’t want the surgery. Never did.”

The pain that ripped through me when you said those words was incredible. I don’t know if I could ever describe it. Like fire and electricity, and those goddamned plants squeezing around my lungs again. I turned away, spewing petals into a napkin. I didn’t need to look at them to know that they were red. Deep and dark, like blood.

“It’s not the money, Kaiba,” I said when I’d recovered from my coughing fit. “I don’t want the surgery. Never did.”

“But-”

“I’d rather die with love in my heart than live without it. I don’t wanna forget y-” I stopped myself, but it was too late.

Your face blanched. “Oh.”

“Yeah,” I said. There was nothing else to say, was there?

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t. Please don’t apologize.”

There didn’t seem to be anything else to say. I stood and took out my wallet, leaving all the cash I had on the table.

“Joey, wait-” You reached out, your fingers brushing over my hand.

I pulled away, as if I’d been burned. I may as well have been. Even that brief contact left a deep, searing sensation in my skin that I knew would never go away. 

And you’d finally called me by my name. After so many fucking years of insults and name-calling and just the bare fucking minimum of my last name, which you’d always said with such disdain. As if it was something bitter and foul in your mouth. 

I couldn’t help the tears that came then. “Please don’t,” I whispered. “Just let me go, Kaiba.”

You nodded, moving your hand back to the table. “At least let me pay for your coffee.”

“No,” I said. That would be too much like a date, and this was definitely  _ not  _ a date. 

I left, then, as quickly as I could. I had to get home. Put my things in order. Set things right with my dad. Say goodbye. Now that it was all out there, it was only a matter of time.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I woke to my phone ringing somewhere in the tangle of blankets. Not dead, then. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. When I finally got my hands on my phone and saw who it was, I cleared my throat and tested my voice before answering. I didn’t want any trace of my distress to show through.

I wasn’t even half way down the block before you started blowing up my phone. I ignored it. 8 missed calls and 3 voice messages by the time I got home. A ton of texts too. I deleted them all, unread and unlistened to, and blocked your number for good measure. 

Then I crawled into bed, and let myself cry. Between the coughing and the crying, it was getting hard to breathe. I wondered, before the dark claimed me, whether this was it. 

If it was, I thought, at least I had been honest with you. At least you knew. I would die with my love in my heart, where it belonged.

I woke to my phone ringing somewhere in the tangle of blankets. Not dead, then. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. When I finally got my hands on my phone and saw who it was, I cleared my throat and tested my voice before answering. I didn’t want any trace of my distress to show through.

“What’s up, Yug’?” I asked, trying to sound like my usual chipper self.

“For fucks sake. Of course you answer when it’s the shrimp. You can’t just walk out on me like that.” You were pissed. Like, launch the missiles pissed. 

“Kaiba, just-”

“Just  _ what _ , Wheeler? Just let you mope around like a dick until you die of a broken fucking heart?” you yelled, so loud that I had to hold the phone away from me. “What kind of friend do you think I am?”

My chest constricted. “F-friend?”

“Yes,  _ idiot _ , ‘friend’. Person for whom I care deeply, despite my absolute best fucking efforts.”

And then Yugi took the phone from you. “I think what Kaiba’s trying to say is that you don’t need to suffer through this alone, Joey. Please. Let us in. Let us take care of you.”

I nodded slowly, and then realised it was a phone call and none of you could see me. “O-okay. Yeah.”

“Good, now can you meet us at the game shop, or do we need to come to you?” Yugi asked.

The thought of you visiting my apartment still filled me with dread. “I’ll be there. Just gimme an hour. I’m kinda a mess.”

When I got to Kame Game a little over an hour later, I was surprised to find it empty. Except for you.

“Where is everyone?” I asked.

“They’ve agreed to give us a little bit of privacy,” you said. “They’ve gone to the store to get snacks because apparently the shrimp has planned ‘the most epic best friends chill night ever to epic’. Whatever that means.” You rolled your eyes.

I chuckled. “That sounds like Yug’ alright.”

“Look, Joey… I can’t tell you that I love you-” 

Tears were building in my eyes, the plants in my chest blooming again. “I know.”

“Oh for fuck. Will you let me talk, please?”

I nodded.

“I can’t tell you that I love you but I wasn’t lying on the phone earlier. I  _ do _ care about you. A lot more than you probably realise. And I don’t want you to die,” you said, your voice deep and earnest. 

The air inside the shop suddenly seemed thick. It was hard to breathe. Harder than it had ever been. My head swam. And I fell.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My chest tightened, but no coughing fit followed. Not talking sounded like a good idea with the way my throat felt.

“Joey! Thank goodness!” 

Those were the first words I heard when my eyes fluttered open. I don’t know how much time had passed, but I was definitely not in the game shop and it definitely wasn’t night anymore.

“Hey Yug’,” I said, my voice hoarse and crackly.

“Shh. Don’t try to talk,” you said, squeezing my hand.

My chest tightened, but no coughing fit followed. Not talking sounded like a good idea with the way my throat felt.

“I’m going to get the doctor,” Yugi said. He hurried out of the room.

I turned my eyes on you, questioning. 

“You’re at the clinic,” you explained. “They’ve given you a stronger cough suppressant. That was the other thing I wanted to talk to you about before you passed out…”

A tall woman in a white coat walked in then. “It’s good to see you awake, Mr Wheeler. You gave your friends quite a scare.”

“Who’re you?” I croaked.

She smiled. “I’m Dr Faraday.”

“What happened to Dr Amasawa?”

“Oh, he’s still here,” she said, busying herself with my chart, checking my vitals and doing general medical things. “But Mr Kaiba asked me to consult on your case.”

I shot you a look. You met it with a smirk. No, not a smirk this time, as I had expected. Not a smirk but a genuine shit-eating grin. Smug bastard.

“Why?” I was tired and my throat hurt like hell. I wanted to sleep forever.

“Dr Faraday is a researcher with Kaiba Medical. She and her team have been working on a new treatment for Hanahaki for some time. I was hoping that she could do something for you,” you said, giving my hand another squeeze.

I tried to think of anything else but how warm your hand was on mine, how the feeling would be etched into my memory - for however long I still had it. Whatever cough suppressants they’d given me were obviously industrial strength. If they weren’t, my heart and lungs would be strewn across the paper-thin hospital blanket. 

I swallowed hard, closed my eyes against the prickling tears. “Why’re ya doin’ this, Kaiba?”

“I’m going to give you two a moment,” said the doctor.

When she was gone and the door closed behind her, you sighed. “Joey, I want you to have the best chance of recovery. I respect your decision not to have the surgery. I don’t understand it, but I respect it. This new drug that Kaiba Medical has been developing, it’s still experimental but it’s shown promising results in early trials.”

“Why delay the inevitable?” I asked.

“Stop it,” you yelled. Anger and hurt and fear mixed in your voice. “I don’t know who you are, but Joey Wheeler doesn't talk like that. He never backs down, never walks away from a challenge, never lets the odds scare him. He stood up to an Egyptian god and survived. So you stop talking like that and you bring him back right now.”

I would have laughed if it didn’t hurt so much. I tried. “Typical Kaiba,” I said in a quiet rasp. “Not gettin’ what ya want so ya throw a temper tantrum.”

“Fuck you, Wheeler.” There was no bite to the words. None of the usual venom. 

“Ha, if only.”

You rolled your eyes. “Look. This isn’t- I’m not-”

I raised an eyebrow at you. You were usually much more eloquent than this.

“I’m having the surgery later today. When I wake up- Tomorrow, I won’t be in love with Atem anymore…” You trailed off, leaving the end of that thought hanging in the air between us.

You couldn’t be saying what it sounded like you were saying. “That doesn't mean ya’ll be able to love me,” I said, just barely above a whisper, as if saying it out loud would jinx the already almost non-existent possibility.

“No, it doesn't. But it also doesn't mean that I  _ won’t _ .”

“Kaiba-”

“Seto,” you corrected. “We’re friends now, remember?”

“Seto. Ya can’t just say stuff like that.”

“I’m not trying to hurt you. I’m not trying to get your hopes up. But I  _ do _ like you, Joey. So much more than I ever thought possible. It definitely won’t happen overnight, but I would like to at least try. At least give us the opportunity to try…”

What was I supposed to say to that? The tears that had been building and prickling behind my eyes finally brimmed over, flooding down my cheeks in silent tidal waves.

“Will you take the new drug, Joey? Please?”

The sense of sincerity and urgency in your voice was overwhelming. How could I refuse you? I nodded. “But if it fails, you let me go in peace.”

“Deal,” you said. You shook my hand and then went to find Dr Faraday.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All day, I had been so scared. Terrified that something would go wrong. That the surgery would fail. That you’d still love him. That you’d still be dying. Or worse, that the surgery would go wrong. That you wouldn’t make it. I was so scared.

I was there when you woke up. I don’t think you remember, ‘cause the anaesthetic had you pretty fucked up, but I was there. I sat by your bedside, and watched you sleep, and held your hand when no one was looking.

All day, I had been so scared. Terrified that something would go wrong. That the surgery would fail. That you’d still love him. That you’d still be dying. Or worse, that the surgery would go wrong. That you wouldn’t make it. I was so scared.

I don’t know what I was expecting when they brought you out of theater. I guess I thought I’d be able to see some difference. But of course there wasn’t one. You looked just like you always do. So ridiculously beautiful. A little more peaceful than usual, maybe. A little more calm. But still the same you.

And then you woke up, those oceanic eyes of yours fluttering open and trapping me again. I wanted to ask how you were feeling. I wanted to squeeze your hand, and kiss your forehead, and let you know I was there. But that was selfish. Instead, I left Mokuba to do those things while I went to find the doctor. 

Over the next week, I stayed close to you. I was there as much as the clinic allowed. You didn’t speak much. You were tired and sore. It hurt to know that you were hurting, and that there wasn’t really anything I could do about it. But somewhere in the back of my mind was that little bit of hope that all the pain would be worth it.

On day seven, you were finally acting like yourself again - at least as much as you could from your bed - demanding to be discharged and allowed to go back to work. The doctors fought you on that, saying it was too soon. After all, you had just had major surgery. I wanted to fight you on it too, because I knew once you left the clinic, I wouldn’t be able to see you so easily.

But eventually they allowed you to go home. Nine days after your surgery. On the condition that you wouldn’t work for more than four hours in a day, and absolutely nothing stressful. Which meant you ended up handing all of your work over to Mokuba anyway, because you don’t know how to not stress about work. You thrive on it.

I had to fight myself constantly not to just barge into your place and take up station wherever you were. I barely slept, barely ate, barely breathed, for thinking of you. If it weren’t for the experimental meds Dr Faraday had me on, which seemed to be doing the trick, I think I might actually have died. 

Three days in, I stopped fighting and went to visit you.

“Where the hell have you been?” you asked when Roland ushered me into your study.

“Stayin’ outta ya way an’ lettin’ ya rest.”

You rolled your eyes. “Well don’t.”

“That ya way of sayin’ ya missed me?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Actually, yes.”

That shocked me. I hadn’t expected you to agree. It took me some time to think of a response, and eventually I went with “I thought ya were s’posed to be restin’, not workin’.”

“I’m not working,” you replied, closing the laptop in front of you. “I was reading. It’s a thing intelligent people sometimes do. For fun.”

“Uh huh...”

You stood, opened the doors behind your desk and led me out onto the balcony that overlooked your garden. You took a seat on one of the wrought iron chairs, gesturing for me to do the same.

“How’re ya feelin’?” I asked.

“Useless. Not being allowed to work is frustrating.”

I rolled my eyes at that. “Oh, poor baby, forced to have a vacation. Anyway, I meant… y’know…”

“Oh. I’m fine. It hurts a little sometimes if I move too quickly. Sometimes I forget and I reach for something and it pulls. But I’m fine.”

“Good,” I said, carefully not looking at you. I could feel you carefully not looking at me, too. Or I might have been imagining that.

You sighed. “I still remember him.”

I nodded, unsure what, if anything, I was meant to say to that.

“It’s weird. My memories… it’s like I’m looking at them through the bottom of a glass. Before, when I thought of him, there was this tug, this weight pulling at my heart, drawing me to him. And now it’s not there anymore but I can still remember what it was like to feel that way. I still remember him, but it’s hazy.”

“Does it hurt?”

“Honestly? Yes, it does. More than I thought it would. But it also hurts a little less every day.”

A maid brought coffee out to us then, and I asked if you should be drinking that. You laughed at me, and I felt my chest tighten. The cough that followed produced nothing.

“I guess I don’t need to ask if the meds are working,” you said, taking a sip of what you assured me was decaf.

I smiled a small, tight smile, and nodded. Yes, the meds were working. Sort of. The Hanahaki was still there, but it wasn’t progressing. I had fewer fits, and they produced fewer flowers. But they hurt more. A  _ lot _ more.

I’d told Dr Faraday that, and she said she didn’t know why that was. Apparently none of the other test subjects had reported anything like it. I guess I’m special after all.

I didn’t share any of it with you. Just let you think everything was fine. You didn’t need to be worrying about me.

“That’s good,” you said. “I’m glad they’re working. I’m glad you have more time.”

“Yeah…” 

_ Did _ I have more time? And would it matter? 

I finished my coffee and stood to leave.

“Do you have to go?” you asked, so quietly I thought I might have imagined it.

“Yeah,” I said. I rested my hand on your shoulder as I walked past. “Yeah, I do. I still have to work, y’know?”

You placed your hand over mine, the contact setting my skin on fire. “Come back tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure, Seto. I’ll see ya tomorrow.”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t care what anyone else says, you were grieving. You lost someone you loved. Twice. First when the ceremonial battle sent him home, and then again when you had the surgery. It might be fucked up, but grief is sacred. So I didn’t tell you what was going on because what was there to tell? I had no answers, only questions.

I kept my promise. I visited you the next day. And the day after that. And the one after. All the while feeling that there was something wrong with me, and feeling worse for keeping it hidden from you. But what was I going to do? Heap my problems onto you while you were still recovering? 

Recovering  _ and _ grieving. 

I don’t care what anyone else says, you were grieving. You lost someone you loved. Twice. First when the ceremonial battle sent him home, and then again when you had the surgery. It might be fucked up, but grief is sacred. So I didn’t tell you what was going on because what was there to tell? I had no answers, only questions.

Instead, I sat with you while you read. Listened when you talked. About him, and about other things. Sometimes I talked too, but mostly I listened, and you said you were surprised by that. You said I’d always been so loud; you didn’t think I was capable of listening. 

We played chess, and I didn’t beat you, but you were surprised, again, by how well I kept up with you. I just laughed and said, “told ya I wasn’t a dumb mutt.” And you laughed and said you guessed not. 

And you touched me. 

Unintentional grazes of the hand while we were playing, or when you handed me a book to read, or… Sometimes more deliberately. 

When we were watching movies, you’d sneak your hand into mine during emotional scenes, and I’d see you crying out of the corner of my eye, and squeeze your hand. Or at the end of a visit, when I was getting ready to leave, you’d rest a hand on my arm as we said goodbye.

And every bit of it, every second, every momentary fragment of contact burned and seared itself into me. I was at war with myself in those moments. Every part of me aching for you, for your love, your attention. Knowing that you were still grieving. That I had to mark you as off-limits until you weren’t. And who knew when, if ever, that would be?

I tortured myself with the hope that there was intent behind your actions. Then told myself you probably weren’t even aware of them. I prepared myself for the very real possibility that I was some kind of rebound for you. Not that I thought you would intentionally hurt me like that, but...

When I complained about the pain again at my next consult, Dr Faraday was forced to admit that there was very likely something wrong. That she didn’t know what we were dealing with and that I was going to need more testing. Full bloods and x-ray to start with. Maybe an MRI. 

That’s how I found myself in Dr Amasawa’s office, with both of them puzzling over some blotchy x-rays. 

“These,” Dr Amasawa said, tapping a set of scans on the lightboard, “are your x-rays from your first stage two checkup.”

I nodded. I remembered being nervous as fuck waiting for the results, because I didn’t know what to expect. I’d never been x-rayed before and part of me, a very small, very silly part of me, wondered if I was going to get a comic book origin story out of it.

He tapped the next set of plates. “Here are your x-rays from last month, before you started on the KM treatment. See the increased vegetal matter?”

It just looked like a lot of white blotches in a sea of grey and black to me, but even I could see there were more of them - a  _ lot  _ more. The plants in my heart and lungs had more than doubled between the first and second sets. “I see it.”

“Right,” said Dr Faraday, taking over and tapping the final set of scans. “ _ These _ are yesterday’s x-rays.”

I frowned. That couldn’t be right. “Ya sure ya didn’t get the order mixed up?” I asked. Surely the third set belonged where the second set was.

“We’re sure. The plates have the scan dates printed on them.” Dr Amasawa was frowning as he said it. Obviously this worried him as much as it worried me.

Dr Faraday, however, seemed to be over the moon. “This is honestly incredible. We haven’t seen anything like this in any of the other participants, and I don’t know why or how it’s happening, but your plants seem to be shrinking.”

“Or dyin’,” I said.

Dr Amasawa nodded at that. “I suspect you’re right, Joey.”

The room suddenly felt a lot colder. Dr Faraday apologized for her excitedness and excused herself from the room. Obviously there was a reason why she was in research and not patient care. Before I knew about you and your  _ former  _ feelings for the Pharaoh, I would have said that was just the Kaiba way, filtering down from you to your cold, robotic staff.

When she was gone, I had to ask the question that I knew was plaguing us both. “Doc, what happens if the plants die completely?”

“I wish I knew,” he said quietly. “The truth is, there’s never been a case like this. You might be completely fine and go on as you were before the plants sprouted. You might lose your love for, and maybe your memories of, Mr Kaiba - as if you’d had the surgery. Or-”

“Or I might die, too?”

The doctor nodded, his face drawn and unhappy.

“What happens if I stop taking the meds?” I asked.

“I’m sorry, Joey. We just don’t know.”

I left that consult and went straight to the manor. The results had forced my hand.

You were sprawled out on the couch when I walked into the den. Feet up on an ottoman, laptop balanced neatly in your lap. Aside from the rainbow toe-socks, you were exactly as anyone would imagine you, in your black turtleneck and slacks.

I raised an eyebrow, and you followed my gaze.

“A gift from Mokuba,” you said. “Besides, they’re comfy and they cheer me up. They’re like hugs for my feet.”

“I didn’t have ya figured for a hug guy.” It was the sort of comment I would normally follow with a laugh. I didn’t, and I guess that tipped you off.

“What’s wrong?” you asked, the concern in your voice almost tangible. You pulled your feet off the ottoman, moved the laptop away, and sat up straight, patting the seat next to you. “You had a consult today, didn’t you?”

I ran a hand through my hair as I sat down. “Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I did. It’s…”

“It’s…?” You put a hand on my knee. 

That touch that was meant to ground me, to help me focus, and let me know you were there, made me feel like I was everywhere and nowhere all at once. Not in my body. Not out of it.

“Well, KM’s drug works. So you can be very proud of your team.”

“Why do I feel like there’s a but there?” you asked. “Joey? You’re scaring me.”

“I’m sorry, Seto. I don’t mean to scare ya. It’s just difficult. Complicated, y’know.” I took a deep breath. Counted to ten. And told you everything.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You always were so smart, so logical. The exact opposite of me. You considered everything, weighed every option, at lightning speed. Like the world was a giant game of chess. Your supercomputer brain made all the calculations before I could even finish laying out the problem.

“Stop the treatment,” you said. 

Like it was the most obvious thing in the world. I guess, to you, it was.

“It’s really the most logical thing to do. Stop the treatment and see if the regression continues. If it stops, we know it’s the meds. If it doesn't, we know it’s not. Either way, we can formulate a new action plan once we have an answer.”

You always were so smart, so logical. The exact opposite of me. You considered everything, weighed every option, at lightning speed. Like the world was a giant game of chess. Your supercomputer brain made all the calculations before I could even finish laying out the problem.

I knew you would have the answer, and I trusted you to be right.

I nodded. “That makes sense, I guess. But-”

“But?”

“But why would it  _ not _ be the meds?” I asked. 

You smiled at me, a soft, calming smile that would have been completely out of character for you a few short months ago. All the anxiety and uncertainty I was feeling melted away.

“Let’s just say I have a theory,” you said, giving my knee a gentle squeeze.

“You and your theories…” I mumbled.

But the next day, I went back to the clinic and talked it through with Dr Amasawa. He seemed to agree with you, although Dr Faraday was less enthusiastic about losing me from the trial. 

I stopped the KM treatment. Stopped the cough suppressants as well. The doctors had decided that the best way to test your theory, the theory that it wasn’t the meds at all, was for me to be completely medication-free.

For the first few days, nothing felt any different. Well, that was to be expected, wasn’t it? Dr Faraday said that the meds would take a couple of days to work out of my system. But a week passed, and there was still no change. The pain in my chest was still there, the low-level ache that was ever present and then spiked with my emotions. But there were no spontaneous coughing fits, and when I forced a cough, nothing came up. 

Two weeks after stopping treatment, they x-rayed me again. The difference between my last scan on the KM drugs and this one were minor, but noticeable. Fewer blotches on the plates. 

“It could be residual,” Dr Faraday said. “We need more data before we form a conclusion.”

Dr Amasawa agreed, and I went on with my life for another two weeks. Still in pain. Still not producing anything more. And still visiting you every day, twice if I could manage it. Even after you went back to work. I’d stop by the manor, or your office, or sometimes we’d meet for coffee. 

It didn’t even occur to me that you were taking time out of your day, canceling plans, to be able to see me. It was just what we did, the rhythm we fell into, the pattern of our lives. We were much better friends than I ever thought we could be.

At four weeks, the scans still showed a reduction in vegetal matter. And at six weeks. And at eight weeks. The plants were still dying, and there was no way it was the treatment.

The KM drugs were not the cause of my remission. If that’s even what it was. Dr Faraday was, understandably, upset. But Dr Amasawa was quick to remind her that the treatment was still showing promise in trials, even if this particular instance wasn’t part of it.

“Okay, so if it’s not the meds,” I asked at the eight week consult, “then what gives?”

“I honestly don’t know. The only other cases I’ve heard of where a patient recovered from Hanahaki without meds were-” Dr Amasawa trailed off.

“Were?”

The corners of his mouth twitched, as if he were struggling to hold back a smile or even a laugh. “I think,” he said in a voice that seemed to echo around his office, “that you and Mr Kaiba need to have a conversation.”

I frowned, my brows creasing. “What-?”

He shook his head. “Off you go. I’m not saying anything more until you’ve spoken to your ‘friend’.”

I make no apologies for barging into the KC boardroom with your secretary trailing me, trying to explain how busy you were. I know if the roles were reversed, you would have done the same thing. You’d already done practically the same thing to me at the clinic. And it’s not like I didn’t warn you. You could have excused yourself for five minutes before I got there, so really, you only have yourself to blame.

Your eyes darted from me to the board members seated around the table, to Mokuba, to your secretary huffing behind me about calling security.

“Joey,” you said, your tone warning.

“I’m sorry, Seto. This can’t wait,” I said.

I guess something about my voice or maybe the look on my face got through to you. Your eyes went wide.

“Not here, then,” you said, nodding to the others. “Mokuba, take over for me. Excuse me, gentlemen.”

You swept me out of the boardroom and into your office, locking the doors behind us.

“Alright, Joey, what is it?”

“I had another consult this mornin’. It’s definitely  _ not _ the meds, an’ Dr Amasawa won’t tell me what it  _ is  _ ‘til I talk wit’ ya.”

“Ah,” you said. You walked over to the couch in the corner of the office, taking a seat and gesturing for me to do the same. “So he’s come to the same conclusion I have.”

“Oh? An’ what’s that?”

“That you’ve gone into remission because I’ve started to fall for you.” The words flowed out of your mouth like they took no thought and no effort. Like the sentiment was obvious.

My head spun. A stabbing, wrenching pain tore through my chest. I doubled over. “Ha.” I tried to laugh, but it came out a groan. 

“Joey?”

“Ya can’t jus’ say shit like that, man,'' I wheezed. “Fuckin’ teasin’ me an’ shit. Sick bastard.”

You put your hand on my back, rubbing in gentle circles while I tried to normalise my breathing. 

“I’m not teasing you, Joey. It’s too soon after-” You stopped, wincing at the memory, then breathed out and started again. “It’s too soon for me to say that I love you, but I  _ am _ falling for you. A little more every day.”

I couldn’t help the tears dropping from my eyes, leaving wet blotches on your slacks. The pain. The joy. It all blended together and I didn’t know what to do with it.

“You’re so strong, and passionate. Loyal. Compassionate. Fierce, but also gentle. And smart, maybe not in the same way that  _ I’m _ smart, but smart nevertheless. And funny. And warm. But you’re also stubborn, and pig-headed. You would rather die than give up on your love. That’s so stupid and so precious on so many levels.”

“Do you really think all that about me?” I asked when I could breathe and sit up properly again.

You nodded. “I really do. Plus some things that I can’t talk about at work,” you said with a smirk.

My jaw dropped. That you might think about me that way wasn’t something I’d considered. That was a new kind of thrill. I felt the heat rise in me. Knew that this was a full-body blush. That you would see the flush rise out of the collar of my shirt and creep over my neck and cheeks.

You laughed, sending all kinds of warmth flooding through me. And then you leaned forward and claimed my lips with yours. 

Your lips were soft - so much softer than I had ever imagined - but the kiss was not. It was bold. Powerful. Aggressive and greedy. Just like you. And it was everything I had ever wanted.

The pain disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, folks. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to yell at me about all the things I did wrong, I'm BDEblueyes on tumblr.


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